My Dad's Pals

DARREN ALAN

Mr. Alan is my Dad’s friend from his work. He’s muscly because he was
a football player in high school. He asked me why I don’t play sports,
I told him I don’t know. Ever since they stopped coach pitch, I’m not
really that interested. Then he told my Dad a secret and they laughed
about it.

Darren is another one of Dad’s fun time friends. Which means they
always have fun times. And no one else does. In an unrelated story,
some jerk threw my yu-gi-oh cards on the ground.

He comes over to play with Dad in his corvette. I asked him if he
would let me ride in it. He said, the only thing this picks up is
tails. I asked to see Dad’s tail. I went inside to get some soda. Then
they were gone.

ALAN SANDERS

I oiled my baseball glove once and it made me think of Dad’s work friend Alan.

LONNIE FOWLER

Lonnie and Dad went to school together. Lonnie once told me that Dad had the highest “tail count” of all his friends at school. Dad told him to put a darn cork in it. Lonnie said that he probably already had. Then they laughed.

Lonnies mouth smells dead.

MR. GOSLER (AKA THE TUMBLER)

Mr. Gosler is one of my favorite pals of Dad. Mr and mrs. Gosler came over for dinner last night. We had steak from the grill.

After dinner Mr. Gosler started barking like Greta, our dog. Greta bit Mr. Gosler on the hand. Dad told him to “sick him!” Then Mr. Gosler got on the ground with him and started barking more. It was so crazy! Then mrs. Gosler kissed me on the head and said, “This is when all the good little boys go to bed.” Sheesh, thanks purple-teeth, but I’ll be 11 in May!

DOM LEEFORD

Dad works with Mr. Leeford. He’s a really serious guy but I heard a crazy story about him. So I’m going to tell it to you.

It all started when I tooted in the pony after Dad picked me up from science camp last summer. Dad laughed, which I’ve only seen once or twice times. He said that one time Mr. Leeford walked into his office and tooted and said, “Happy Good Afternoon!” Whoa, I can’t believe I’m even typing this.

THE PONY

Dad spends a lot of time fixing up this Mustang which he calls the Pony. Ordinarily I wouldn’t call it a pal but that’s how much time he spends with it. Plus he talks to it, plus sometimes curses.

I tried to suprise him for father’d day last year and gave him floormats. He said they weren’t from the same year or whatever so he sold them and got some lures.

MARTIN JOHNSON

Martin Johnson lives next door to us. I took his picture from his website, which is on realty. The weird thing is I didn’t know he wore glasses, forget about rainbow ones.

Dad borrowed a hand spade from him once so I guess he sort of counts. But I bet if Dad sees the glasses he’s off the list.

RONNIE TEMPLETON

Mr. Templeton was Dad’s roommate in college. He’s a policeman now! He comes over every summer for the fourth of july and brings a bag of fireworks. It’s cool because I can’t buy fireworks where I live and one time got grounded for putting a black cat in a ant hole.

He says he gets them from “smart-a kids who have nothing better to do than blow shoot up and bust my hump.” His hump is pretty big, he showed it to me once so that really must hurt.

mom says Ronnie has sausage fingers and “if he could eat them, he would.” So would I!

UNCLE MATT

Unlce Matty! Uncle Matt is the coolest. He visited from San Francisco last Thanksgiving and brought everyone toy cable cars and my mom some chocolate. Dad said mom loves chocolate more than anything. My mom said Dad loves anything with two legs. Then Dad said to my mom that her brother Matty likes anything with three legs.

That’s pretty cool because I forget sometimes that uncles can also be brothers.

RICHARD NEWSOME

Dad says Mr. Newsome is his fun times friend. The only thing fun about Mr. Newsome is when he leaves, because that’s when all the beer noises stop.

Mr. Newsome said that my Twighlight books were stupid. When I become a vampire he’s first on my list. Only I won’t swallow because his blood probably tastes like red beer and pipe.